are you inuit?

i was just told quite possibly the nicest thing anyone could say to me.
ever.

"you should've been born in alaska or native american.
that way you could've been one of those healers. you're good at it.
you've healed wounds i didn't even know i had."

now, if i'm not mistaken, that's pretty damn amazing.
if you've read the post before this, you know what i want to do.
but, that's the main purpose behind what i want to do.
i want to heal the wounds you can't see.
that's it.
that's the only way, i believe, i can leave this place a little bit better than when i left it.

if you are the wonderful person who said this to me, THANK YOU.
i'm not sure if you are aware of how much of an impact that had on me. so thanks. and i love you.

seriously heartgasm worthy. :D

caring without so many atrocities.

college psychologist.

college counselor.

counseling service.

whatever you want to call it.

it's not a psychiatrist. i have serious issues with prescribing medication to reverse a "problem".

i don't even really think there are problems. at least, not in that sense. the kids i want to deal with are those who have gotten in over their heads or something has happened and aren't sure how to handle it.

i could easily get kids[why am i calling them kids?] people who've been through serious things i can't handle before, but they've been through it, as in...not exactly past it, but not in need of services i can't provide.

the entire reason i can't do full on therapy is that i cannot handle that.

it is inborn that i honestly care about people. sometimes this has downsides. however, i don't think i would want to do it at all if i didn't care.

i care, therefore i am emotionally invested.

if i'm dealing with the problems of these people, they will pretty much become my problems. that's just the way i am. can't help it.

i cannot do that.

i will literally go insane and need a therapist of my own if i see the glass half empty with a hole in the bottom(i <3>

if i have a person who needs plain out therapy, they are in the wrong place.

i talk to the girl who's behind on exams because her father is in the hospital.

i don't think you come in, we talk about your issues, and i fill out a little form to give you drugs to "fix" you.

admittedly, there are situations when prescriptions are necessary. 

i believe in you come in, we talk about your issues and we keep talking about it. we talk through and decipher....why.

in my mind, it's a much more satisfactory way of changing someone's perspective.

i don't want to tell you what's wrong with you.

there isn't anything wrong with you or your personality.

there is no right and wrong when it comes to personality. there's some weird and some off but there isn't any wrong. unless, i suppose, you're posing a danger to people.

you tell me what has you down, stressed out, whatever.

even things like ADD, some people see that as a problem that needs to be corrected.

i see that as a part of who you are, which may or may not cause you trouble. if you need medication to pass classes, that's fine, but you shouldn't be made to think there is anything intrinsically wrong with you.

i talk to the kid who has panic attacks in the middle of class.

mostly i hope to show you that you're okay. nothing is wrong. this too, shall pass.

which, sometimes, i try to do already.

wuuv, twoo wuuv.

As humans we intrinsically shy away from loving someone fully.
Everything we've ever been taught about self protection tells us not to give away that much of ourselves.
There are so many reasons not to. There are so many scenarios that could go wrong.
But, that's why it's called risk.

some thoughts.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately:

things are good.

despite what it took me to get here, things are good.

it did take a lot to get here.

drama, bad choices, and loss.

that's the strangest part.

the last thing any of us wanted.

and yet it brought us together in a way we never could have imagined.

i am thankful for that.

i am thankful for many things.

like change.

and finally being okay with being truly happy.

and accepting fright.

and the will to cross lines you couldn't even see.

there are certain thoughts i stray from for they tend to tie my stomach into knots.

such as the ones that truly make you think.

or evoke in you the purest emotions.

even though these are the ones i like best.

i come to realize things in odd ways.

i understand and accept them as fact but do not yet know or feel them as incontestable truth.

these are things i've come to realize lately:

i am happy; truly, finally, and completely.

it is not the end of the world; we keep going.

i do not regret things; at one point it was exactly what i wanted.

tangerines are forever my favorite fruit.

the single proactive thing i can do in this world is to make people feel better.

i have serious doubts i'd be where i am without it.

and, in all honesty, i like where i am.

it's a good place to be, as i said.

mostly: i'm not glad it happened. i'm glad for the way it changed me.

college 2.0

copied from another one when i couldn't find this.

Santa Fe is 1,231 miles away. 

from Claremont, CA it's a 11.5 hour drive. 

it's a $468 round trip from LAX to ABQ. from BHM to ABQ it's $758. 

how the hell am i gonna make that work? 

we won't have fall break next year.

so that's thanksgiving and christmas he'll come home. but i'll probably be gone both of those. then i've got spring break. 

that's like...3 weeks out of 9 months we'll be within 100 miles of each other.

and we can't even handle 4 days.

good god.

college?

shit.

holy freaking shit.

you have GOT to be joking.

hell to the no, david blaine!

where we kept all my college savings(about 300K) was GET THIS! part of AIG.

yes, that AIG.

the one, you know, how it's all FUCKED.

THANKS!

good god.

if we'd closed the accounts a month ago and payed taxes on them, we'd have enough to send me, full ride, to Pomona(the one i want most right now) for all four years.

now, not so much.

we'd lost 12,000 dollars when we got our last statement.

there's no telling now that they've gone completely under.

this is going to change everything.

this is about to affect the rest of my life.

thank you, wall street, thank you so much.

you know, we aren't in debt. 

we bought my mom's car in full.

they've been saving that money since before i was even born.

i swear to god.

my dad just said to me, with a slight amount of sincerity, "you better start thinking about going to shelton state"

HELL NO!!

i will not waste myself in this town anymore.

i refuse.

if i can't get out of here, i honestly don't know what i'll do.

this is what i've been looking forward to for years.

this is what has gotten me through all the terrible days when school is just too boring to bare.

this is my freedom.

i cannot have that taken from me.

good god i love america.

------------------------------------------------

yikes.

slightly pissed, eh?

i...just...that's not even an option. no. my mind will not compute that i may have to stay here. i canNOT handle that.

i mean, i do understand if we really can't afford that.

i'm just saying it isn't right or fair to take that away from us, from me.

we are good people who make their payments on time and never cause trouble. 

and all they were doing was holding our money basically. kind of. the whole thing is confusing.

pretty much, our money that we put in there is being taken away because 7% of the population is dumb enough to bite off more than they can chew. THAT is what bothers me. why should my future be stripped away because some idiot in oklahoma didn't pay his mortgage on time? because some deadbeat in maine can't pay her bills? 

this seems unfair to me.

why am i paying for their mistakes?

why must i suffer for their inability to be realistic?

we'll see how this pans out.

but, honestly, if i end up stuck here, i will not be a happy camper.

i'll beat them all to death with my tent rod.

iraq.

good god.

i didn't even know he'd left.

now his status is :"...is in iraq chillin! hit me up."

you're in iraq you idiot. how the hell are you "chillin"?

CHILLIN!

sorry. that bothers me.

a lot.

don't you know that tons of people back home are going to be worried about you?

maybe not the ones you expect.

i know i'll worry and wonder what you're doing at least every now and then.

you probably don't expect that from me, or any of us. and you probably shouldn't.

and then there's the whole "this is a real place and actual people who i really know are there and they'll probably end up risking their live for no one even knows what anymore" feeling.

and the thought that says "there's that boy and you cannot let him go over there. you cannot let him go through something so terrible. you cannot let him become something he doesn't want to be, a person neither of you know, a person either of you might not love."

^ that one. that's the scary one. that's the one that made you cry only moments ago. the one that made you wish chase was still here so he could talk you down.

and here comes the one that says that if he was still here you might not have a say in whether he goes or not.

too many thoughts. they bounce around my head. they scare me to death.